Holding On

Something awful happened.
It doesn't matter what it was.

Again I find myself trying to forgive.
So here I am. Indulging in a little writing therapy. Please
bare with me as I hang on with a little help from the varied
unions of my 26 single friends.Alphabet, don't fail me now.

Forgiveness

Is bigger than we think we are,
A destination, much too far.

But the road says keep on trying,
Our forever can't be dying.

Trust me with you, ask me the same,
Release the secrets, allow the pain.

Let's grow together, not apart.
Loving with, these broken hearts.

Amen


Thank you for reading. xo

Purpose

Like water that sustains us,

It is ours to drink in and pour out.

After the mud, it cleanses.

With it, we grow.

Keep it pure and fresh,

Use it. Preserve it.

Purpose.

Contain it,

Let it flow.

  

You Are Here

Rhythm in the raindrops,
Makes the memories dance,
Moments when we listened,
Now, quiet eloquence.

Little bits of laughter,
And, yes, a tear or two,
Forever, you are with me,
My heart holds on to you.

You were here for always,
And always, you will be,
More than fond reflection,
You are a part of me.

Monsters Among Us

There are such things as monsters.

I know because I hear one when I close my eyes at night. 

I see a man, the man who attacked my daughter.

There, in the dark, I am haunted by the fact I have to love him.

The monster in me roars, "Vengeance! Hate! Rage! Pain." 

Sometimes I let the monster play with the image for awhile.

Even in my mind though, the monster never wins.

So I pray, "God, I see his face and all I feel is hurt and fear. Please help me to see what You see when You look at this man. Help me to know the right things to do for this family. Help me to love."

Morning comes. The monsters hide.

My grandchildren will be here soon. 

It used to make my heart ache to see their resemblance to this man. They smile at me with his smile, look at me with his eyes. I didn't want to be reminded he had anything to do with them. 

But those faces deserve so much more!

In them I see innocence and wonder, joy and hope. I see determination. I see trust. I also see my daughter. Mostly, I see two of the sweetest blessings I could ever know.  

I will keep my eyes open as I love the people God used to create them.

And my prayers are being answered. I am given peace in knowing, even when I can't see what He sees, He helps me to love.

There may always be monsters. I just have to be careful what I feed them.

HOPE

Nothing,

Everything,

Enemy,

Friend.

A season,

A reason,

A detour to,

An end.

SENDING LITTLE CHASE UTLEY ZIP LINING FROM THE CEILING FAN

There's a call. Lots of calls, really. There are causes everywhere. Good causes. I want to donate, volunteer, share, vote, do, help. Everything. Something!

It's overwhelming.

Doing "what I can" never feels like enough. In fact, too often it feels like chasing rainbows.

I've been fired from delivering meals to the elderly for getting too involved. A foreign illiterate I was teaching to read was given a new teacher because he got fresh with me. Jobs I took in the name of purpose instead became reasons to self doubt. 

Such examples link a long chain.

"So it goes." - Kurt Vonnegut

Little Chase Utley is dangling above my computer screen. 

I'm supposed to be sending out requests trying to get my book published. It's about a mother hiding from her own mental illness. I wrote it hoping to inspire, create understanding, tell a story with which I am too familiar. 

Now I'd rather send a plastic man and his paper clip down some yarn and smack him into the silverware drawer again. That made my son laugh last night. I didn't feel like a failure. For that moment, maybe I wasn't.

Alas, zip lining Little Chase Utley is only a temporary fix.  

I know I have to keep trying because I know I will never stop caring. 

My tiny donations won't cure any diseases or solve any crises, but I've seen change jars grow up and become bank accounts. It can add up.

And maybe they'll always only give me "busy work" at the soup kitchen and there will forever be someone else better suited for tasks at church. But maybe not.

And yes, I might be too risky a choice to be an adoptive parent and just a number in the literary rejection piles. But my fiction writing mind won't allow itself to entertain sucky endings, so on I go. 

Oh, Little Chase is still going for a ride. Worry not. I'll make it quick. Besides, my hot glue gun is loaded.

Thanks for reading, friends. 

May all of your plastic men have strong limbs. 

Ruthy

SORRY, KIDS. I'M NOT QUALIFIED TO BE A MOTHER.

Adoption felt like the right thing for us to do. It still does. 

It turns out, however, that I am not eligible to be an adoptive parent. Ironically, I am uncertifiable by reason of insanity.

I get it. I really do. I'm glad there are standards. Above all, every decision must be made in the best interest of the child. That's how it absolutely should be. 

          Sad, but not bitter,
          Hurt, without hate,
          God's plans are bigger.
          Trust Him and wait.

I'm praying for words right now, trying to channel a positive message that I know is hiding under yet another rejection. This is different than accepting the lack of interest I usually encounter. There's a boy out there, a boy I promised to love.

We have been blessed with 4 children and 2 grandchildren. These blessings continue to grow. Soon, we will have a 3rd grandchild, a son in law, a daughter in law and more. And that's just our little branch. There are so many I love. 

I am stressed by, and thankful for my family every single day. So thankful, I wanted to share it. I still do. 

Lots of you supported our efforts and I can't thank you enough. (Please send me your cookie requests and I'll happily bake my heart out. Don't be shy. My heart needs the work.)

Setting out on a mission has a way of filling me with hope, passion and purpose. I get all excited. I open my big mouth and tell people, even ask for help.I let the housecleaning fall aside, order pizza way too often, and drag my poor family through obstacle courses of mood born frenzy. All, in the name of purpose. 

Now I feel like I let everyone down and I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry, little boy. I can't be your mother. I still love you. I will still pray for you, cry for you, and wish for you. Maybe someday we will meet. Maybe not, but I hope so. 

There is more to purpose than my eyes could ever see. 

For now, I'm going to focus my mission on small acts, kind words, big faith, positive attitude, an open mind, sincere care and making dinner.

Thanks for reading.

May God bless you and the mission you rode in on.

Amen