Holding On

Something awful happened.
It doesn't matter what it was.

Again I find myself trying to forgive.
So here I am. Indulging in a little writing therapy. Please
bare with me as I hang on with a little help from the varied
unions of my 26 single friends.Alphabet, don't fail me now.

Forgiveness

Is bigger than we think we are,
A destination, much too far.

But the road says keep on trying,
Our forever can't be dying.

Trust me with you, ask me the same,
Release the secrets, allow the pain.

Let's grow together, not apart.
Loving with, these broken hearts.

Amen


Thank you for reading. xo

Purpose

Like water that sustains us,

It is ours to drink in and pour out.

After the mud, it cleanses.

With it, we grow.

Keep it pure and fresh,

Use it. Preserve it.

Purpose.

Contain it,

Let it flow.

  

You Are Here

Rhythm in the raindrops,
Makes the memories dance,
Moments when we listened,
Now, quiet eloquence.

Little bits of laughter,
And, yes, a tear or two,
Forever, you are with me,
My heart holds on to you.

You were here for always,
And always, you will be,
More than fond reflection,
You are a part of me.

Monsters Among Us

There are such things as monsters.

I know because I hear one when I close my eyes at night. 

I see a man, the man who attacked my daughter.

There, in the dark, I am haunted by the fact I have to love him.

The monster in me roars, "Vengeance! Hate! Rage! Pain." 

Sometimes I let the monster play with the image for awhile.

Even in my mind though, the monster never wins.

So I pray, "God, I see his face and all I feel is hurt and fear. Please help me to see what You see when You look at this man. Help me to know the right things to do for this family. Help me to love."

Morning comes. The monsters hide.

My grandchildren will be here soon. 

It used to make my heart ache to see their resemblance to this man. They smile at me with his smile, look at me with his eyes. I didn't want to be reminded he had anything to do with them. 

But those faces deserve so much more!

In them I see innocence and wonder, joy and hope. I see determination. I see trust. I also see my daughter. Mostly, I see two of the sweetest blessings I could ever know.  

I will keep my eyes open as I love the people God used to create them.

And my prayers are being answered. I am given peace in knowing, even when I can't see what He sees, He helps me to love.

There may always be monsters. I just have to be careful what I feed them.

HOPE

Nothing,

Everything,

Enemy,

Friend.

A season,

A reason,

A detour to,

An end.

SENDING LITTLE CHASE UTLEY ZIP LINING FROM THE CEILING FAN

There's a call. Lots of calls, really. There are causes everywhere. Good causes. I want to donate, volunteer, share, vote, do, help. Everything. Something!

It's overwhelming.

Doing "what I can" never feels like enough. In fact, too often it feels like chasing rainbows.

I've been fired from delivering meals to the elderly for getting too involved. A foreign illiterate I was teaching to read was given a new teacher because he got fresh with me. Jobs I took in the name of purpose instead became reasons to self doubt. 

Such examples link a long chain.

"So it goes." - Kurt Vonnegut

Little Chase Utley is dangling above my computer screen. 

I'm supposed to be sending out requests trying to get my book published. It's about a mother hiding from her own mental illness. I wrote it hoping to inspire, create understanding, tell a story with which I am too familiar. 

Now I'd rather send a plastic man and his paper clip down some yarn and smack him into the silverware drawer again. That made my son laugh last night. I didn't feel like a failure. For that moment, maybe I wasn't.

Alas, zip lining Little Chase Utley is only a temporary fix.  

I know I have to keep trying because I know I will never stop caring. 

My tiny donations won't cure any diseases or solve any crises, but I've seen change jars grow up and become bank accounts. It can add up.

And maybe they'll always only give me "busy work" at the soup kitchen and there will forever be someone else better suited for tasks at church. But maybe not.

And yes, I might be too risky a choice to be an adoptive parent and just a number in the literary rejection piles. But my fiction writing mind won't allow itself to entertain sucky endings, so on I go. 

Oh, Little Chase is still going for a ride. Worry not. I'll make it quick. Besides, my hot glue gun is loaded.

Thanks for reading, friends. 

May all of your plastic men have strong limbs. 

Ruthy

SORRY, KIDS. I'M NOT QUALIFIED TO BE A MOTHER.

Adoption felt like the right thing for us to do. It still does. 

It turns out, however, that I am not eligible to be an adoptive parent. Ironically, I am uncertifiable by reason of insanity.

I get it. I really do. I'm glad there are standards. Above all, every decision must be made in the best interest of the child. That's how it absolutely should be. 

          Sad, but not bitter,
          Hurt, without hate,
          God's plans are bigger.
          Trust Him and wait.

I'm praying for words right now, trying to channel a positive message that I know is hiding under yet another rejection. This is different than accepting the lack of interest I usually encounter. There's a boy out there, a boy I promised to love.

We have been blessed with 4 children and 2 grandchildren. These blessings continue to grow. Soon, we will have a 3rd grandchild, a son in law, a daughter in law and more. And that's just our little branch. There are so many I love. 

I am stressed by, and thankful for my family every single day. So thankful, I wanted to share it. I still do. 

Lots of you supported our efforts and I can't thank you enough. (Please send me your cookie requests and I'll happily bake my heart out. Don't be shy. My heart needs the work.)

Setting out on a mission has a way of filling me with hope, passion and purpose. I get all excited. I open my big mouth and tell people, even ask for help.I let the housecleaning fall aside, order pizza way too often, and drag my poor family through obstacle courses of mood born frenzy. All, in the name of purpose. 

Now I feel like I let everyone down and I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry, little boy. I can't be your mother. I still love you. I will still pray for you, cry for you, and wish for you. Maybe someday we will meet. Maybe not, but I hope so. 

There is more to purpose than my eyes could ever see. 

For now, I'm going to focus my mission on small acts, kind words, big faith, positive attitude, an open mind, sincere care and making dinner.

Thanks for reading.

May God bless you and the mission you rode in on.

Amen

Trying Again

We're expecting to adopt. There's a little boy out there somewhere.

I feel a special connection with him like I felt with my other children 

before they were born. He doesn't have a due date though and I 

can't protect him with checkups and prenatal vitamins. I'm up thinking

about him tonight and wanted him to know some things. Since I

can't tell him yet, I put it here.

Thanks for indulging me.

****************************

I miss you.

I guess that seems a little weird since we haven't met yet.

But you're out there and I love you and I wish you were here.

I want to tell you that you have a family, a home. And I will do

my best to always make you feel like you belong because you do.

You will know about Jesus.

I will pray with you and for you. 

I will ask you how your day was because I really want to know. 

I will give you lots of books whether you want them or not. And  

I will keep hoping you want them

There will be cookies. 

You'll probably spill some milk. 

I will too.

You might get mad at me for making you go to school or clean your

room. That's okay. We'll get through it. 

Sometimes I may forget a paper you needed me to sign or what time 

baseball practice starts, but I will always try my best.

And everyday I will tell you "I love you," because everyday I will. 

I'm praying for you, buddy. I can hardly wait for you to come home. 

Cyber Fellowship

This is my granddaughter, Bella.

This is her little brother, DJ.

Sweet, right? They really are. Still, stuff happens. 

Bella knows she isn't allowed to climb up on the coffee table. We tell her every time she does it. She does it a lot.

She remembered the lesson when she saw DJ on the table. Yep. She yanked him right off. He fell to the floor.

Thud. Ouch. Whah. Boo boo. Poor DJ. 

I'm somewhat certain she had good intentions. 

Babies are not allowed on the table. She knows the rule.

She wanted to help her brother, but instead made him fall. 

Hence, the inspiration for a metaphor-induced poem:


Cyber Fellowship

Create in me a clean blog, O God, 

Please guard my Facebook wall,

Through my good intentions,

Don't let my brother fall. 

Tweet not mine unjust anger,

Or Pin my butt in greed,

And, dare I post a selfie,
Lord, show me what You see.

Prove a simple Candy Crush,
Can sweeten ties with friends,
Because little things can matter,
Even quickie sends.

Should email tempt to frustrate,

Kirk Cameron and such,

Remind me they have missions too,

Bless each with Your touch.

Keep my fingers humble,

Avoiding reckless clicks,

Remain The True Connection,

In cyber fellowship.


Thanks for reading, friends. Click well.

Coming Out

Okay, this closet door hasn't exactly been closed.

My mental clutter kind of busts out from time 

to time. Sometimes a stray thought drops from

the shelf. Other times, there's an outright avalanche. 

It's no big secret I have mental issues. 

They gave me a fancy diagnosis and everything. They 

said I could keep this fancy gift forever, so I stuck
it in my closet. I sometimes break it out at parties or when
I want to impress someone. 

Alas, I don't go to a lot of parties or impress a lot of someones.

But I still have the gift of fancy.

Honestly, too often I hide in my little dark corner, buried in 

clutter, wishing I wasn't so stinkin' fancy.

THEN GOD REMINDS ME TO PRAISE HIM! 

And I do. Right there, in my mess, in the dark, I praise Him.

Eventually, little by little, I crawl out of that closet. I have to.

There's work to do out here.

The miracle of it is that, no matter what, God lets me work for Him.

He employs the weak, the strong, the plain and the fancy. Whatever
the gift, He knows what to do with it.

In the light He has use for me.

When the pressure sends me back to my dark corner He still has use for me.

I come out because He has use for me. 

He has use for me.

Even. Crazy. Me.

And guess what.

He has use for you too.

Super Power, Activate!

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness.
Praying. Reading. Wrote a poem.
Heavy thinking kind of stuff.

I thought letting go of the vengeful hoo haw junking
up my being was all I had to do.

Defiantly eating mass amounts of birthday cake laced
ice cream wasn't doing anyone any good, nor would
the vindictive plots creeping around in my brain.

I told myself I forgave and avoided the two for five
special in the grocer's dairy freezer.

But the uglies didn't go away.

Anger, disappointment and fear continued to linger. With
those beat the question, "Did I really forgive or am
I just a hypocrite?"

I had to look deeper and accept that emotions are feelings I
can't pretend not to have. More importantly, they come with
the challenge to be used responsibly.

Yes, I get angry. But hey, sometimes anger is a great motivator
for change.

Disappointed? Pshh. Often. Sure, I cry. I also learn.

And I need fear! It reminds me not to go too close to the edge.

There are fun emotions too, so I'll have lots to work with.

Forgiveness, however, is not an emotion. It's a super power.
And woah! We all have it. We just have to use it.

The ability to forgive let's you see through the uglies to the peace on
the other side. It's the incredible strength that can lift tons of vengeful hoo
haw out of prayer's way. It's the shield that doesn't wait for the battle to
be over to protect.

So, step off, Satan. This girl has been forgiven. I have God's grace,
and I'm not afraid to use it.

Forgive

Teach me to forgive,
As I have been forgiven,
Humbled in the armor,
Of peace no longer hidden.

Release me now of yesterday,
And hold me up today,
Ready for tomorrow,
Strengthened by Your grace.

Amen

How to Get a Redhead to Stop Obsessing

Suggestions welcome :)



____________________

But

I wanted to write something beautiful the other day.
I wanted to inspire, encourage.

Instead, I attended a pity party. See, it was our twenty fifth
wedding anniversary. I had this grand idea of celebrating the
best way I know how. Apparently, however, I'm not as wise
as I pretend to be.


For years we've discussed adoption, sharing our family with
another child in need of love. I knew I loved this child
already. I dreamed of giving him a home. I think we all did.

Preparing to celebrate twenty five years of marriage brought
this longing to share our family closer to reality. Our three
eldest children are grown up and out on their own. Our
youngest, Thomas, is our only child at home now and the
time seemed perfect.

With lots of prayer, research, phone calls, and paperwork,
the journey began. We went to the orientation for classes a few
weeks ago. We were to start on May 7th, our anniversary.

I loved the idea of celebrating our anniversary with going to our
first class. Family is the best way I know to do anything.

-but-

Turns out I do not qualify to be a mother to an adopted child.

Not insufficient education. Not lack of experience. Not finances.
No excuse at all, just unqualified me.

The agency deemed me unfit to be a mother based on a psychiatric
diagnosis with which I was labeled before Thomas was even born.
Unfit. Seems I've heard that word before. Oh wait, that was in my
nightmares.

So, yeah. Sometimes insecurities get validated.

I needed another "but." Funny enough, there usually is at least one.
When I got done crying and beating myself up, I found the buts I
needed.

One of my favorites is my family. There's great strength in embracing
the mission I'm already on. Too often my efforts and hopes to do
more, or the obstacles and failures I encounter, make me lose sight
of the good and the needs that are right in front of me.

And you know what? I am not an unfit mother. I'm not perfect, of
course. But I am secure in knowing this is the mission I'm meant to
be on. Sure, I will keep trying to do more. Some things may work
out, some may not. But right now I'm thankful to be reminded that
not being perfect does not mean not being anything.

We have a lot to celebrate.

After twenty five years of marriage I can wholeheartedly say I love
and am thankful for my husband and the family that came with our
union.

No, it hasn't been perfect. But...

Because He Said So

I didn't see this coming.

I grew up Catholic. I was baptised when I was a baby.
My mom saw to that. She's so wonderful. She taught us
about Jesus, to pray, to believe in God's awesome
power. She sets a great example with her forgiving heart and
her genuine loving nature. My mom will always be my first
and dearest teacher.

I'm so thankful to have gotten to grow up knowing about Jesus.
And I value the importance of bringing together that knowledge
with a sincere acceptance of Him as Savior.

Though I've been taught in great ways and learned great things, I
still had to be the one to make the great choice to follow Jesus. And
I did.

I really did.

But why did I need to get baptised again? I already did that, right? Not
only did I, but I renewed it many times when the priest prayed over
us and sprinkled water as we renewed our vows.

Well, it started with a prayer.

I don't remember all the words, honestly. But when our worship leader,
Bryce, prayed for changed hearts I felt that familiar longing for a change
in my own.

Pastor Larry's message guided me to what I needed to do to
help that change along, and helped me understand why. He said we get
baptised because Jesus said so. Those simple words left no room for my
lame excuses. And there was more. He set an example by doing it, and we
demonstrate our faith by doing it too. Hmmm.

Then I heard the testimony of yet another someone I admire,
Michelle Jennings. The truth touched my heart.

I had been following Jesus on my own terms. I let my insecurities about
being in public and cold water and bathing suits cloud my reasoning. I had been
praying for a closer relationship with God, to set an example for my children,
and direction to serve. But I was trying to follow without taking all the steps.
 
Despite my shaking hands and quivering voice, I made another choice.
I whispered to Ed I wanted to be baptised with the others after church. I was
afraid he'd think I was silly. Instead he ran across the street to buy me shorts.
How cool is he?

So I stood in the water and looked out at Thomas. Two years ago he made this
same decision to be baptised. Still, I kind of hoped this would be a beautiful moment
of inspiration for him. He just gave me a silly look as if to say, "Ummm, it's about time."

Please Know

Please know I notice,
He's learning so much.
Minds on a journey,
With the help of your touch.

Please know I see,
You really do care,
A wonderful comfort,
When I can't be there.

Please know I respect,
The measures you take,
To hold on to order,
And keep our kids safe.

Please know I am thankful,
In this world we live in,
To witness some goodness,
And hope for our children.

And no matter what's said,
About prayer in our schools,
Please know that I'm out here,
Praying for you.

When Can I Let This Mission Stop Beating the Snot Out of Me?

There's this thing I need to do. When I took it on, I claimed it as an important purpose in my life.

I started it. I had good intentions, really. Then something went wrong. The mission started failing.

I began to question if it was time to let go of my purpose.

But I did start it.

I stepped back and asked myself, "why did I start this?"

The surface reasons I rattled off were nice. To be honest, though, what I listed as reasons were mostly the benefits I expected to come. Some reasons, I had to admit, were more like excuses.

The pains and struggles of this journey nudged me toward the edge of giving up. I wanted to stop. But the idea of stopping hurt even more. I was tired, hurting, confused.

I had let the purpose become my enemy. But that wasn't right.

Something in me wouldn't let me let go. Turns out, that something is my purpose. The true purpose of starting this mission was what had been under attack all along. The real enemy was armed with insecurities and doubts, setbacks and disappointments, fears and heartaches.

Yes, I made mistakes. But in spite of my failures and wanderings, the purpose hasn't left.

So now what?

Accept.

That one little word is a powerful weapon. One that has to be handled carefully.

Accept the challenge and act.
Accept the lessons and adjust.
Accept that the power over obstacles is sometimes a direction around.
Accept the purpose as a mission to never let go.

There's this thing I need to do.
 

The Weight of Waiting

Waiting can be so heavy. 

Wait for an end to a hard day or a long ride. That phone just won't ring.  Change promises to come. Answers seem to have boarded a slow boat and you wonder if they're lost at sea.  

Whatever our wait, the weight of it can throw us off balance. But we don't have to fall. Tools are available to help carry the load.

I have this really great pastor who, among other things, teaches us how to apply scripture to our daily lives. Often I don't realize how I'm going to use the tools when I first get them, but it's pretty cool when I reach for something and find it in the toolbox.

One lesson I'm drawing on today is from the book of Matthew. Jesus said,

"29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  (Matthew 11)

Sounds good, right? Well, it sounded even better when I learned Jesus didn't say "yolk" and He wasn't referencing egg slime.

If I have this right, a yoke is a heavy crossbar used to pair animals, like oxen, to better work together. When the animals took on the yoke, it didn't relieve them of the work, but it joined them to pull the load. 

The yoke of Jesus isn't heavy. He did the hardest part. And under Him we are joined. Through Him our burdens are made lighter.

 Well, hello spiritual aha!

He gave even more than Himself. He gave us each other. If we open our eyes we can find someone who cares. We can work together, wait together. Share each other's burdens and joys. He gives us the tools. He helps us carry the weight.

Peace to you & Thanks for reading!!

The Heart of the Matter

There are so very many things for which I am thankful.
At this moment, one thing in particular is hypochondria.
You see, I woke up in the wee hours because it felt like
I was having a heart attack. So I decided to run with it.

No need to worry. I've learned over the years that these
"heart attacks" tend to go away after taking the right amount
of antacid. So I shant be bothering the folks at the emergency
room again tonight.

Still. I have to think. Delusional illness can be an incredible
blessing.

The past few months I've been in a bit of a funk. Okay, I've
been a cranky, whiny beast. My apologies to those stuck
putting up with me and to those I've neglected. Many thanks
to those who stick by me anyway.

Now I'm up at three in the morning having this crazy heart attack.
How appropriate. I'm awakened to the fact that I've been failing
my heart for these past months.  

I love when God spins a good metaphor.


I've let hard things break it, scary things shake it, and doubt came
in to take it. (Sorry. I can't resist a cheesy rhyme.)

Instead of using my heart for good stuff like love and kindness, worship,
grace, and the passionate pursuit of dreams, I let it wallow in funky town.
Turns out it's not as much fun as the song suggests.

I know a real heart attack is a terrible thing. I'm sorry it sometimes
takes an encounter with hypochondria to be reminded what a blessing
good health is. So today I am also praying for your heart, and physical
well being.

As for my metaphorical heart attack, I plan to be actively involved in the
recovery. There are so many good things to be done. This heart is in for
some serious exercise.

Saved

Bigger than this moment,

Beyond all yesterdays,

Take me to Your promise,

Rest in precious grace.

Relieve this day with mercy,

Tomorrow's out of reach,

Above alone and broken,

Into eternity.