SORRY, KIDS. I'M NOT QUALIFIED TO BE A MOTHER.

Adoption felt like the right thing for us to do. It still does. 

It turns out, however, that I am not eligible to be an adoptive parent. Ironically, I am uncertifiable by reason of insanity.

I get it. I really do. I'm glad there are standards. Above all, every decision must be made in the best interest of the child. That's how it absolutely should be. 

          Sad, but not bitter,
          Hurt, without hate,
          God's plans are bigger.
          Trust Him and wait.

I'm praying for words right now, trying to channel a positive message that I know is hiding under yet another rejection. This is different than accepting the lack of interest I usually encounter. There's a boy out there, a boy I promised to love.

We have been blessed with 4 children and 2 grandchildren. These blessings continue to grow. Soon, we will have a 3rd grandchild, a son in law, a daughter in law and more. And that's just our little branch. There are so many I love. 

I am stressed by, and thankful for my family every single day. So thankful, I wanted to share it. I still do. 

Lots of you supported our efforts and I can't thank you enough. (Please send me your cookie requests and I'll happily bake my heart out. Don't be shy. My heart needs the work.)

Setting out on a mission has a way of filling me with hope, passion and purpose. I get all excited. I open my big mouth and tell people, even ask for help.I let the housecleaning fall aside, order pizza way too often, and drag my poor family through obstacle courses of mood born frenzy. All, in the name of purpose. 

Now I feel like I let everyone down and I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry, little boy. I can't be your mother. I still love you. I will still pray for you, cry for you, and wish for you. Maybe someday we will meet. Maybe not, but I hope so. 

There is more to purpose than my eyes could ever see. 

For now, I'm going to focus my mission on small acts, kind words, big faith, positive attitude, an open mind, sincere care and making dinner.

Thanks for reading.

May God bless you and the mission you rode in on.

Amen

Trying Again

We're expecting to adopt. There's a little boy out there somewhere.

I feel a special connection with him like I felt with my other children 

before they were born. He doesn't have a due date though and I 

can't protect him with checkups and prenatal vitamins. I'm up thinking

about him tonight and wanted him to know some things. Since I

can't tell him yet, I put it here.

Thanks for indulging me.

****************************

I miss you.

I guess that seems a little weird since we haven't met yet.

But you're out there and I love you and I wish you were here.

I want to tell you that you have a family, a home. And I will do

my best to always make you feel like you belong because you do.

You will know about Jesus.

I will pray with you and for you. 

I will ask you how your day was because I really want to know. 

I will give you lots of books whether you want them or not. And  

I will keep hoping you want them

There will be cookies. 

You'll probably spill some milk. 

I will too.

You might get mad at me for making you go to school or clean your

room. That's okay. We'll get through it. 

Sometimes I may forget a paper you needed me to sign or what time 

baseball practice starts, but I will always try my best.

And everyday I will tell you "I love you," because everyday I will. 

I'm praying for you, buddy. I can hardly wait for you to come home. 

Cyber Fellowship

This is my granddaughter, Bella.

This is her little brother, DJ.

Sweet, right? They really are. Still, stuff happens. 

Bella knows she isn't allowed to climb up on the coffee table. We tell her every time she does it. She does it a lot.

She remembered the lesson when she saw DJ on the table. Yep. She yanked him right off. He fell to the floor.

Thud. Ouch. Whah. Boo boo. Poor DJ. 

I'm somewhat certain she had good intentions. 

Babies are not allowed on the table. She knows the rule.

She wanted to help her brother, but instead made him fall. 

Hence, the inspiration for a metaphor-induced poem:


Cyber Fellowship

Create in me a clean blog, O God, 

Please guard my Facebook wall,

Through my good intentions,

Don't let my brother fall. 

Tweet not mine unjust anger,

Or Pin my butt in greed,

And, dare I post a selfie,
Lord, show me what You see.

Prove a simple Candy Crush,
Can sweeten ties with friends,
Because little things can matter,
Even quickie sends.

Should email tempt to frustrate,

Kirk Cameron and such,

Remind me they have missions too,

Bless each with Your touch.

Keep my fingers humble,

Avoiding reckless clicks,

Remain The True Connection,

In cyber fellowship.


Thanks for reading, friends. Click well.

Coming Out

Okay, this closet door hasn't exactly been closed.

My mental clutter kind of busts out from time 

to time. Sometimes a stray thought drops from

the shelf. Other times, there's an outright avalanche. 

It's no big secret I have mental issues. 

They gave me a fancy diagnosis and everything. They 

said I could keep this fancy gift forever, so I stuck
it in my closet. I sometimes break it out at parties or when
I want to impress someone. 

Alas, I don't go to a lot of parties or impress a lot of someones.

But I still have the gift of fancy.

Honestly, too often I hide in my little dark corner, buried in 

clutter, wishing I wasn't so stinkin' fancy.

THEN GOD REMINDS ME TO PRAISE HIM! 

And I do. Right there, in my mess, in the dark, I praise Him.

Eventually, little by little, I crawl out of that closet. I have to.

There's work to do out here.

The miracle of it is that, no matter what, God lets me work for Him.

He employs the weak, the strong, the plain and the fancy. Whatever
the gift, He knows what to do with it.

In the light He has use for me.

When the pressure sends me back to my dark corner He still has use for me.

I come out because He has use for me. 

He has use for me.

Even. Crazy. Me.

And guess what.

He has use for you too.

Super Power, Activate!

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness.
Praying. Reading. Wrote a poem.
Heavy thinking kind of stuff.

I thought letting go of the vengeful hoo haw junking
up my being was all I had to do.

Defiantly eating mass amounts of birthday cake laced
ice cream wasn't doing anyone any good, nor would
the vindictive plots creeping around in my brain.

I told myself I forgave and avoided the two for five
special in the grocer's dairy freezer.

But the uglies didn't go away.

Anger, disappointment and fear continued to linger. With
those beat the question, "Did I really forgive or am
I just a hypocrite?"

I had to look deeper and accept that emotions are feelings I
can't pretend not to have. More importantly, they come with
the challenge to be used responsibly.

Yes, I get angry. But hey, sometimes anger is a great motivator
for change.

Disappointed? Pshh. Often. Sure, I cry. I also learn.

And I need fear! It reminds me not to go too close to the edge.

There are fun emotions too, so I'll have lots to work with.

Forgiveness, however, is not an emotion. It's a super power.
And woah! We all have it. We just have to use it.

The ability to forgive let's you see through the uglies to the peace on
the other side. It's the incredible strength that can lift tons of vengeful hoo
haw out of prayer's way. It's the shield that doesn't wait for the battle to
be over to protect.

So, step off, Satan. This girl has been forgiven. I have God's grace,
and I'm not afraid to use it.

Forgive

Teach me to forgive,
As I have been forgiven,
Humbled in the armor,
Of peace no longer hidden.

Release me now of yesterday,
And hold me up today,
Ready for tomorrow,
Strengthened by Your grace.

Amen

How to Get a Redhead to Stop Obsessing

Suggestions welcome :)



____________________