Sane Enough to Know She's Crazy

CHAPTER ONE

They’ll Never Even Feel a Bump

Her mind had never been so clouded, or so clear. “You can’t do this,” she told herself. Yet, as she approached the train station, Carrie really wasn’t sure whether or not she would finally give in to him. He had been trying to convince her for so long. She came close more times than she would like to admit. The man offered no options and accepted no excuses. He wasn’t asking. More frequent and more demanding, his attacks diminished reason. He justified his plan with the harsh claim, “They don’t need you anymore.” As much as she didn’t want to believe it, tonight this was Carrie’s truth.

She pulled her car to the side of the road. With the push of a button, hazard lights flashed in the dark. Another husband-taught habit guided her foot to the emergency brake as she parked. The safety belt clicked open, imposing the freedom to step out. She closed her eyes. The train should be leaving the station soon. It wouldn’t take long to reach this spot. She sat in the soft grass beside the track, trying to absorb the quiet night around her. His promise threatened relief. The din of her battling emotions played background to the fantasy of his plan:

She stood on the tracks facing the train. Without fear, she boldly stared into the light. Her darkness was illuminated by the great locomotive racing toward her. Soon her body would be struck with a moment of exquisite pain. Her mind would be released.

When she questioned him about the danger to the people on board the train, he assured her they would never even feel a bump. Now she wondered if the same would be true of the people on board her life.

Carrie thought of the empty rocking chair near her bed. She could almost hear the creak of the floorboards. “Shh. Rest, baby Daniel. Sleep, my love. You’re safe now.” “Beth, sweet little Beth, please don’t cry. Mommy’s here. He can’t hurt you. He can’t hurt you.”

She longed to hold her children again. “Daniel, make me laugh.” She could see his chubby cheeks and bright red hair, his arms stretched out with pride announcing his nap is over. Half a dozen neckties dangle to the tip of his snow boots as he waddles across the living room begging to come to work with Daddy. He is singing to his grilled cheese sandwich at lunch, doing a happy dance the first time he ties his shoe. Panic crosses his face as he reports the traffic jam his matchbox cars caused in the toilet.

And Beth. “Sing for me, Beth.” Her daughter’s voice could soothe her inner chaos better than any cookie ever had. She was Carrie’s closest link to peace. “Oh, honey. Let me hear you now. Help me be normal.”

She imagined two year old Beth sitting in the bathroom singing “I’m a Potty Girl.” At five, she frequently scolded her brother to the tune, “Hey, Dude, You Made Me Mad.” Carrie hummed with the memories of Beth’s favorite lullaby, “It’s Been a Hard Day’s Night.”

Her baby girl’s angelic face, surrounded by oodles of strawberry curls, and Daniel with his contagious giggles, again gave her strength, purpose, pleasure. She thought about going home. Maybe they did need her.

She could bake Daniel’s favorite chocolate cake with peanut butter icing. He used to love to lick the bowl. She better buy some milk. Did she make dinner? They have to clear their plates. Story time. Two babies snuggle safely on Mommy’s lap. “It’s okay. He can’t hurt you. Mommy’s here.”

Carrie opened her eyes and looked into her empty lap. Her babies hadn’t been there in years. Now that they’re grown…

“You’re just in their way.” His voice jumped her like a hungry lion. “You weak coward. Stop being so selfish. They don’t need you anymore.”

She fought his attack as she heard the train coming. He was locked in her head, unwilling to leave. Over and over, he repeated his cry, "They don't need you! They don't need you!" She could not dispute his cold, sharp words. Her heart ached at the thought of leaving her family. As usual, her pain was his pleasure.

Her head pounded. He had tormented her for so many years. Would he stop with her? She couldn’t let him hurt anyone else. It had to end. It would not end with her children. She struggled to ignore his voice raging in her mind. The approaching rumble couldn’t stifle him. She climbed to her knees. Her eyes fixed on the train bearing down on her, just seconds away.

"NOW," he commanded, "NOW!"

She rose to her feet, summoning every bit of faith within her. Two steps could place her on the tracks. Her legs waited for a decision to move. The blinding light grew nearer. Her life with the man had to end. She held her breath and jumped…away.

"God, I am Yours, not his." She felt it as she whispered the words that kept her just beyond the reach of the invisible stranger. She screamed into the thunder of the passing train.

"You can't have me! You can't have me!"

The voice that had been haunting her went silent. The sound of the train whistling in the distance sang finale to the moment. She was alone at last. She longed to be held in Adam’s arms. She wanted to be close to him. She needed him to know her.

An unknown puppet master was pulling her strings and she needed her husband to help her break free. If only she could tell him.

“Oh, Adam. Can’t you hear him? Can’t you save me?” she thought.

Shame interrupted. She couldn’t expose the people she loved to the cruelty of the man. Adam wouldn’t understand. Would he? Would anyone? It didn’t matter. There’s nothing anyone can do anyway. The idea of saying it out loud came with a notion it would somehow make it true.

She teetered on the brink of reason. She wished she could be a normal wife, just out visiting a friend like she had claimed. Nobody even questioned her when she left. They just nodded. She waved to the back of Adam’s head. She came back for her keys, then for her purse. Nobody tried to stop her. Of course they didn’t. Nobody knew.

She needed to tell Adam. She got back into her car and locked the doors. Her hands trembled as she reached for her purse. She fumbled through useless prescription bottles and candy wrappers until she found her phone. She sat up straight and called him, bracing herself with each ring.

“Yeah?” he answered.
“Adam, it’s Carrie.”
“I know that, dear.”
“Um. I, um…it’s me.”
“Yeah. We’ve been married for twenty years. I think I know your voice.”
“I’m on my way home,” was all she heard herself say. Carrie could only hope he would hear something in her voice crying out to him, “Come to me. Hold me. Fix me.”
“Bring me some pretzels,” was his response.

Epic Follower Blogfest Contest

Yikes! I have been working all week to write one sentence. I am so silly. After all this time though, I still believe dreams can come true.

So, when I came across a contest hosted by Shelley Watters http://shelleywatters.blogspot.com/ , I got excited! Shelley has a cool blog called, "Is It Hot In Here Or Is It This Book?" and she is holding the Epic Follower Blogfest Contest.

This is where that one sentence comes in. All of us hopefuls have the opportunity to pitch a manuscript in 140 characters. The twitter sized proposal has the potential to land its manuscript in the hands of one Suzie Townsend of Fine Print Literary Management! (If I had a choice to win this prize or backstage passes to a Bon Jovi concert, I wouldn't even have to think about it. Jon and the boys could go home to their wives. Yeah, it's that good.)

Anyway, please check out Shelley's blog. There are a lot of great entries! Good luck to all!

And feel free to let me know what you think of mine! I yearn to learn!

Thanks!

Here goes:

SANE ENOUGH TO KNOW SHE'S CRAZY
Women's Fiction

A train rumbles as Carrie battles the hallucinations that drew her to the tracks. There's just one truth left to trust: This war must end.

Forever Blessed

I asked The Lord for guidance,

He spoke softly in my ear.

He said, "Come home, my child."

But I clung to my fear.



I prayed for understanding,

While guarding my desire,

And as I cried for mercy,

Tears raised smoke-clouds from the fire.



Faith cowered in the darkness,

My weary eyes refused to see,

The peace of my heart's longing,

Was not a piece of me.



Father, when You take me,

Please set my mind to rest,

Knowing Your glory didn't need me,

Yet my soul's forever blessed.